Cold, but true. He's being a coward, there's no getting around that. If he weren't a coward, he could have talked to me about it to my face. If I were truly important like he says I am, he would have made time. If he "cherishes" the 15 years we spent as friends, he would have joined me in trying to work out this tangled, but untie-able knot. But he chose not to speak to me, he sent me impersonal text messages. He chose not to make time for me, instead he took snipes at my husband, then turned, ran and hid for months. And he chose to tell me that the 15 years we spent as friends wasn't important enough to fix. That it was "convenient" to break ties with me when he fought with Chris. I'm so glad that my best friend, whom I considered a brother, had to find a "convenient" time to break ties with me. So sorry I was "inconvenient"' to you.

I'm beginning to think that I deluded myself about what kind of person he is. I certainly remember the kind of person he was years ago, and I can say that I prefer that person to the disloyal coward he is today. Perhaps I did love him like a sibling for who he was in highschool, and a little afterward. But you know what? I prefer that. He's become a worse, weaker person since then, and if you want him this way, fine. I remember spending time with him when he was a stronger, better person, and I will always cherish that. And actually cherish that, no empty platitudes there.

He went on and on and on and on about loyalty, yet drops his friends not at the drop of the hat, or at the whim of his spouse. It seems that within the last few years, loyalty is only important to him if it means we remain loyal to him, but he holds no loyalty to us.
He says it's because a couple is a unit, that they form a third person. I disagree. A couple is a partnership, both sides giving equally into building trust and commitment, but without losing their individuality and personal rights and freedoms. I don't have any right to dictate what Chris does, and nor does he to me.

We did not get together and form into an amorphous ChrisandVicky being. We hold hands and support each other. We don't become each other. You can't, you really, really can't do that and still maintain your individuality and your sanity. Sure, it feels good for a while, even the first few years, but slowly you start to yearn for your own space, your own time. You and your spouse are two different people, and changing each other to be like one another isn't being true to yourself. Besides, you can't take care of other people, spouse included, if you can't take care of yourself. And if you're constantly giving in and making concessions and compromising your time, space and self, you can't take care of yourself. Sacrifice has to mean something, it's not something you do just because you sleep with someone and share a house with them. And if you find yourself sacrificing a lot, all the time, mostly of yourself, you should probably look into what's going on.

And if this is what he really wants, then fine. More power to him, I guess. But if he's going to keep dumping friends over not liking his wife, then he's going to get awfully lonely as he finds himself isolated with few friends. Sure, you might think it's noble, but the novelty wears off, let me assure you, as the relationship goes on, and reality sinks in. You're setting yourself up for heartbreak, pain and general strife in the future if you continue this precedent.

Keep that in mind next time you have a friend on the sacrificial altar of your "unit".

Current Mood: depressed

Secular Humanism is fucking awesome. Just because one doesn't believe in the supernatural doesn't mean that we think our actions in this lifetime are useless and meaningless. Even with the knowledge of death, we should work to make the world a better place for future generations.

Current Mood: geeky

Sobering truth

Current Mood: pensive

So the mortgage scare was a false alarm. The landlord apparently doesn't even have his loan through the bank that gave us the notice, so he's got no idea what they're talking about. Whew!

Also, I got my Planned Parenthood bill reduced to $216 through financial aid for such things. And I can still reapply for Take Charge. Which is good, because I'm on my last pack of baby-nukers!

I started on my FAFSA today, got stumped at the taxes part. Chris usually handles the taxes, with the numbers and my brain freezing at the sight of them and all. So I gotta wait until he gets home, or when he calls at lunch to ask him if he knows some info off the top of his head, or if he's knows where he stashed the info. I also looked at pell grants and whatnot, but I gotta get help with that, I think. I have no idea what I'm supposed to apply for XD I'm so useless XD XD XD

I can't wait to get into school! I'm so tired of working under people who are dumber than me. I hate to sound arrogant, but it's true. I shouldn't have to constantly remind my supervisors on what they're supposed to do, or gently nudge them into productive courses of action. I don't even know how most of them got into supervisor or managerial positions. But this winter, if all goes well, I won't have to worry about that for a while. I'm so stoked for school! And I'm super-stoked for band!

Current Mood: creative

I got back yesterday from taking Shawn, Josh, Mike, Carly and my brother up to the family cabin. It was pretty awesome. I'm currently tweaking the pictures now, so they should be up soon.

The weather was pretty nice all weekend, so we did lots of swimming. The water felt great ^_^ We also caught 11 fish on the second day. Yaay for fresh trout for dinner! We went huckleberry picking, but didn't find any. Apparently, it was pretty late in the season. But that's alright, because I got some really cool pictures of some of the scenery on the way there. And no drama, yaaaaaaaaaaay!!! My eye stopped twitching for a full 4 days! ^________^ So yeah, that's what went on this weekend. I wanna be back up there.

On the gloomier side, I'm loosing another 2 hours a day at work, bringing me down to 2 hours a day. We're losing the account with the County, and my company cock-blocked my filling in at the courthouse this month. So while no split shifts, no money either. And at the end of this month, no more prevailing wage either.

This is a scenario Chris and I discussed, so I'm going to throw myself head first into school. Financial aid will be more money a month than what I'm making right now, even before they nix my 2 hours. I've hated the job I have for so long, and I'll be glad to leave it behind and focus on school. I'm excited to have the opportunity to be in band again. Super-fucking-amazingly excited.

Also, there's a chance that our landlord may not have been paying the mortgage on the house we live in. >.< We haven't heard anything from him yet, but a man came to the door an asked for my landlord. He looked a bit surprised that my landlord wasn't living in the house, but gave me an envelope and said that it was very important that it make it to Dan, my landlord. Chris peeked inside without opening it completely, and saw the number for the mortgage help hotline on the bottom. The same hotline he works for >.<

Soooo..... I hit the intarnetz, getting a scope on rental rates, just in case. We have 2 dogs, one of them elderly, and need a house. The average rate on a 2 bedroom house is $800 - $900/month, plus a $1,000 deposit. Yeah, no. There's no way we'll be able to pull that money outta our ass, if this situation is indeed what we fear it is. So we have started tossing the idea around of seeing if we qualify for the First Time homebuyers grant. Dad says that we could get extra help through HUD, too. I'm kinda iffy on the idea, though, even though it was my idea in the first place. I have no idea what our credit is like, or if we could handle something like that with the money we make. Over all, I hope that this situation is a misunderstanding, or that he's just behind on one or two payments. I honestly don't know what we're going to do if we have to move again. We can't afford to move, and we can't afford any other place right now. And we're not giving up our dogs, they're like family, our furry kids. Joxer is so old, no one would take him, and they'd just end up putting him down at the pound, I think.

At least this weekend was nice. It took my mind off of things for a few days, at any rate.

Current Mood: nervous

So yeah, went to the emergency room tonight with nausea and horrendous pains in my side, after vomiting a few times at home. It was the fastest I've ever been ushered into the emergency room, as it was pretty slow there tonight.

Did some bloodwork (which I hated), and made me pee in a cup (which is hard to do with a gown and an IV in your arm, with no IV stand XD), and ruled out kidney stones and appendicitis. Turns out that since it was close to my period, it was more than likely ovarian cysts. They suggested doing an ultrasound, but they weren't sure if I wanted to stay there for another 2 hours, as it was already midnight. I opted not to do so, and they prescribed me some painkillers for the ache in my side.

So yeah. Yaaaaaaaaay, I hope we can get help through the charities they got there. Otherwise, that'll suck.

Current Mood: hungry